August 2010
1 post
5 tags
GIRLY MAN: ILLUSTRATOR ERIK JONES IS CHANGING...
Article I wrote for the Fall 2010 issue of RVA Magazine in Richmond.
Before there were gentlemen’s magazines, men had another way to satisfy their wondering peepers — pin-up art. We’ve all seen it, illustrations of scantily clad and semi-nude girls in suggestive poses in calendars and magazines from the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s. For years, pin-up art was a staple...
July 2010
2 posts
9 tags
HARVEY PEKAR DIES: NATION'S APATHY FITTING TRIBUTE
UPDATE: This post was picked up by RVA Magazine. You can see it here.
As if losing Lebron wasn’t bad enough for Cleveland, the Mistake on the Lake just lost the last person to proudly admit they actually lived there, comics legend Harvey Pekar. If, like me, you often catch yourself thinking that the world is predominately filled with bullshit and no one thought to bring a shovel, then you...
12 tags
WEEKLY DAD OF THE FUTURE
Who rules Bartertown? ME! That’s who. Well, tiny post-apocalypse me anyway, and my giant son (it’s amazing what a well-balanced diet of Twinkies and Armageddon-O’s can do to a growing boy). BTW, any idea where I can get some pigs on wholesale? I need to charge my iphone.
June 2010
8 posts
10 tags
FREEDOM IS AS FLEETING AS THIS SANDWICH
I’m not much for memes, but the Sad Keanu phenomenon is so hilarious, I couldn’t resist. And yeah, I know he isn’t to scale with the rest of the image. The size of his body is relative to the size of the hole in his soul. Also, he was hard to see when he was smaller. Also also, why do you have to ruin everything?
See more pics of Keanu wallowing in self-loathing here and here.
11 tags
ACCIO LINE-CUTTERS! HARY POTTER PARK OPENS AT...
OK, so I haven’t actually been to the new Wizarding World of Harry Potter park at Universal studios, but I can say without a doubt that it is awesome. Why? Because Hermione is hot! That’s why. Anymore questions? I didn’t think so.
Like I said, I haven’t been there yet, but as a Florida resident, it’s only a matter of time. And also money. Mostly money. GOD,...
9 tags
WEEKLY DAD OF THE FUTURE
I love pork. Bacon, ham, chops… if it comes from a pig, I’ll eat it with gusto. So it should come as no surprise that one day I will become a powerful senior senator from West Virginia known more for my pork-barrel projects than any tangible contribution to national legislation. Man, this new bridge to nowhere is freakin’ delicious! May I rest in peace.
15 tags
WEEKLY DAD OF THE FUTURE
You can’t put a price on dedication (Well, actually, you can. I’ll dedicate myself to pretty much anything for $20 bucks and a carton of Cadbury Cream Eggs, but that’s just me). Seeing this US soccer fan’s senseless devotion to a sport he barely understands has touch me in a way I only thought possible by a priest or maybe a creepy uncle. I think it might be time to...
13 tags
THE SOUND AND THE FURY... MOSTLY FURY
Well, the 19th World Cup has gotten off to a pretty good start. The US didn’t lose (We didn’t win, but whose counting? Oh yeah, the officials. I totally forgot about the officials). Italy almost lost to Paraguay. Watching that game finally showed me how a bunch of chest-beating Germans actually brought down the Romans. And Japan scored a goal, finally proving that they are, in fact,...
8 tags
YOUR FROM-NOW-ON WEEKLY DAD OF THE FUTURE
Thanks to Richard Branson, I might someday be able to realize my dream of being a space doctor. True, I never went to medical school, but I’m only 3 credits short of my Associates as a Veterinary Assistant, so it’s not like I don’t know what I’m doing. Now hold still while I scan and/or probe something.
9 tags
DAMNIT ELIZABETH! I'M A WRITER NOT A ZOOLOGIST:...
So my family got a new addition today. Calm down mom. No one’s pregnant. It’s actually a cat. He’s a stray that Elizabeth (my wife, in case you’re just joining us) suddenly decided could no longer hack it on the streets, where, I can only presume, he had been hacking just fine up until now. To be fair, the cat had been looking pretty thin lately, but still, it’s a...
12 tags
LANCE BASS TRIES TO BUILD HOMO STREET CRED, FAILS...
Guess what I saw the other day? If you guessed a monkey wearing a fedora riding an ostrich, you’re half right. If you guessed a monkey wearing a fedora riding an ostrich and pictures of Lance Bass on facebook dressed as a semi-transvestite, then you deserve your own re-purposed CBS drama where you solve unsolvable crimes by talking to dead people.
Back to Lance, though. Can you believe this...
May 2010
4 posts
5 tags
IF THIS POST WAS WRITTEN IN SPANISH, IT'D BE...
So I’ve been working on a project for school over the past month that involves selling Starbucks drinks to unsuspecting Latinos. This hasn’t been easy for me. As a white American from Virginia, I pretty much know absolutely nothing about Latin culture. I didn’t even take Spanish in high school. I took French. I think my mother thought it might give me a better chance with the...
WHY SO FORMAL?
Formal or Instructional language is all around us. And guess what? It’s boring! Here’s what I think some common signs and statements we see everyday should actually say:
You must be this tall to ride this ride. You must be this short to avoid this line. Do not enter. This door isn’t your type, but you’ll find your door someday. Merge Ahead Shit Show Ahead I agree to these...
10 tags
IS BETTER TV JUST A CLICK AWAY?
The following is an as yet still unpublished article I wrote on the rising prominence of Web Series. Enjoy.
Murmurs drift softly through the audience. Packed tightly in the large theater, they watch as the presenter crosses the stage and takes out an envelope. She breaks the seal and removed a card. A wave of silence sweeps over the crowd. “And the Streamy for Best Female Performance in...
NO YOU DON'T HAVE ANOTHER GRANDPA! THAT'S YOUR...
If my kids are anything like me, and, unfortunately, I’m sure they are, they probably haven’t bothered to learn some simple things about their extended family. Oh hell, who am I kidding. They probably don’t even know my first name. That’s right. My name isn’t Dad you ungrateful leeches! Anyway, in an attempt to educate my kids on some of the B-team family, I’ve...
April 2010
8 posts
8 tags
WEEKLY DAD OF THE FUTURE PREDICTION
I know. I know. How did I get my hands on a time machine and steal this picture of my future self. Well, believe it or not, that isn’t me. It’s legendary movie star, Bruce Campbell. But I can totally understand your confusion. I am both hansom, debonair, and often covered in a mixture of my own and someone else’s blood. I can only hope that after my zombie-slaying 20’s...
LET LIFE HAPPEN
Woke up early. You’re mother’s doing. Nothing to do around the house, so… We went for a walk. That’s right. I’m 28 and I take walks with my wife. Don’t judge me. Anyway, walked on the beach down to the 1st street jetty. We tried climbing out to the end (we do that sometimes. It’s a good workout), but the tide was high, which means the rocks were wet,...
NEIL FAILS TO BRING HOME THE SILVER BACON
Kids, back in 2010, watching TV shows on the internet was a pretty new thing. And watching well-produced TV put together by amateurs and independent artists was even newer. To award the adventurous pioneers of internet video, someone decided to produce the Streamy Awards, a sophisticated and professional affair put together to recognize the best programs to ever grace the internet. Or at least...
EVEN IF HE'D WON, HE'D STILL HAVE TO GO HOME TO...
So Tiger Woods finally made it back to the links this weekend playing in the Masters. Kids, since I’m sure you have no idea who I’m talking about, Tiger Woods was a very famous philanderer and sometimes golfer. Of course, as I’m writing this, his sexual exploits were still somewhat fresh and exciting news. I guess that’s why some dedicated “fan”” took it...
6 tags
KOOLAID? NO THANKS, I ALREADY HAD SOME
Since we moved to South Beach, my wife, Elizabeth, and I have been looking for a church. That’s right kids, even though I’m now a broken-down, faithless reck of a man, your dad used to believe in something. We haven’t had much luck. Apparently, not a lot of churches want to set up shop in the modern day Gamora that is SoBe. While discussing this lack of spiritual options with a...
BLEEDING EYEBALLS MEAN IT'S WORKING: CONSIDER...
I just concluded a 1 hour staring contest with my dog. No surprise, I won. Even with the aid of me holding her head and generous applications of Visine, she was no match for me. Kids, I bet you’re wondering why I decided to torture my animal in this way. Well, even though I had plenty of other stuff to do, like the dishes, or your mom, I decided it was time to teach my dog a lesson. You see,...